Grace Required

Here is an update on Baby Sanders.  I do not have a child yet.  I have submitted my home study for 2 little girls and the answer was no for the 1st one and I will hopefully hear about the 2nd one this week.  I am fully expecting a NO about her too, if it is anything else I will be surprised. I was so discouraged 2 weeks ago when I heard it was a no for the 2 month old.  I was angry, hurt and down right ticked.  I cried and then shopped.  I heard from my family and friends that the right child will come at the right time. In my head I know that, it is different telling my heart.  I am ok now and I have determined that God in deed has a perfect plan.  I was reading about Lazarus in our study this week and Jesus knows all about perfect timing.  He knew Lazarus was sick and dying.  He knew when he died too.  Jesus didn't get there until 4 days after he died. Jesus wept in that passage.  I have heard different reasons as to why Jesus wept.  But He did.  Jesus also did something in the lives of the people around Lazarus.  Had he been there when he died or before he died they would have seen a miracle that they were expecting.  BUT, Jesus came when the absolute impossible needed to be done.  He raised a dead man, a man that was DEAD,  Lazarus, was alive.  I am waiting for God to do the impossible.  I cannot wait to see what he does and tell others about it!!!!

Experiencing GOD

My last post wasn't posted but it was written...here is part of what I wrote: "...That's a consequence for disobedience.  I am learning so much during this trial.  I am learning to trust God, to make wise decisions and to do the right thing.  The thing was things were going okay.  So I kinda am not surprised at the fiery ordeal around me, But God knows all of this.  I am going to enjoy the summer instead of being worried.  It is only July 1st.  Time for getting out of my pity party.  I went to a viewing today for a former principal.  She was good but made some bad decisions.  I wasn't looking forward to seeing old people  and co workers but it was good.  I have come a long way.  Thank you God!   Yep, I am learning a lot this summer. The summer of non-busyness!  I know God is working.  I don't know what He is going to do other than test my obedience, but he is faithful.  I am in a pit and will come out! Hopefully a smarter and wiser person who is more obedient and closer to Him."

Just a few short days later, I am closer to Him and I am learning so much.  I have been needing to write for a few days and have no idea how to start but I know He is faithful.  He has used our Experiencing God Study to show me almost daily that He has a plan, He is in control and He is GOD.  I have been in a holding pattern this summer and it has been very public.  I sometimes wonder if I am wrong sharing too much but again I need people to pray.  Real pray-ers.  As I prepare for a child I know that it will not be an easy road. I know that choosing to be a single mom is a different way to do things.  I also know that this is something that I need to do, something I am called to do.
God has shown me He is here.  One thing I was so excited about is that I got a phone call from my agency on the last day of school.  I thought, "Oh wow this is perfect.  I'll get a child during the summer and then be able to go back to school as a mommy."  That was My Plan.   My plan.  ...my plan.  God's ways are not our ways and His thoughts are not our thoughts.  As of now, today, His plan is for me to go to a PLC conference in San Antonio and to Eastern Europe.  So I'll go.  He wants me to see something, do something, learn something while I go, and maybe when I am there, He will use me to bring someone to Him. He is GOD.  He doesn't need me to do anything but He sure will use me if I am willing. Here I am, Use me Lord.  Get this, it is even possible that I still have so much to learn and I am not ready yet. So, there it is.  I pray daily for my child/children. I know God knows their name.  He knows which one I will be a parent to.  He has a plan.  I pray that one day as I share this with my child s/he will know how much I wanted them and how I waited for them.

All in

I am still waiting to hear about a baby girl, but while I am waiting...I am submitting my home study for another baby girl. God knows and the right child will be in my home at the right time. I cannot wait to see what He is going to do. I had a walk with God this morning and it was very uncomfortable.  It was on the same route in the same clothes with the same doggie but this time it was uncomfortable.  I was supposed to talk to God and tell Him how much I love him and tell Him that I understand how much He loves me.  I did that but, there was a lot of tension.  I was the tension.  I want things my way and no matter what, I get in the way.   I was talking to my friend very late last night, very late.  I felt like I was still in college or even better high school.  Anyway, He was telling me that he just wanted God to give us what He wants us to do.  In my wisdom, I said God is our guide not our travel agent.  I told him all of these things that I had been learning and it wasn't until that very uncomfortable walk that God told me to walk before Him and be blameless.  I needed to pay attention to the advice I was giving because it was for me to listen to.  Now, after this uncomfortable walk, I have a peace that I haven't had in this process yet.  It is calm, it is God.  It is the peace knowing that I am not in control. The enemy wants me to believe that me having control is good.  It is not good.  God made the universe, he spoke the GREAT WHITE SHARK into existence. He knows how many hairs are on my head.  He knows Abraham, Elijah, Paul and even Tamar.  I am humbled, I am amazed.  I am in AWE of who He is.  This journey isn't for the faint at heart.  I thought I was.  Well actually,  I am but God is carrying me.  He is the sustainer of my joy and my peace.

The best laid plans of mice and men often go awry

I have been amazed by God's provision since I have decided to adopt.  I was able to get the minor repairs done to my house by a friend and paid for by someone anonymously.  Then some other friends came by to help hang things and install a few things needed to pass inspection.  I am amazed by the selflessness of my friends and it humbles me to know that people care.  I was reminded this past Monday that God has perfect timing and planning.  I have been given a pack and play and after that 2 friends have let me have/borrow/use a crib, car seat, changing table, boppy, bumbo seat, bassinet, and exer-saucer.  God has provided.  He also allowed me to get a phone call the last day of school.  He has perfect timing.  He allowed 3 people to speak truth into my life last Monday.  He knows what I need and when I need it.  The advice one of the women said to me was to take one day at a time.  So...I have.  I have been freed.  I am not going to worry about tomorrow and I can only do that with the help of the Lord.  I do not know if I am going to be chosen to be this little girl's mommy.  I do know that I will wait for God with Grace. I will also point to Him as He answers.  Whether it be this sweet baby or another one.  He will get all of the Glory.  He has a plan and He will guide me as I go day by day. My Help Cometh From the LORD.
He is the SOURCE of my Strength, He is the STRENGTH of my life.

Court Date

Baby Girl has a court day today.  Praying for God's will. I don't know anything but do know that God is in control.  VBS also starts today praying for kids to come to know Jesus.

Waiting with Grace

I am waiting still to hear from my case worker and CPS to see if my Homestudy has been chosen as one of the top 3 choices.  I have been waiting since the 13th of June.  It hasn't been very long, but the waiting is hard.  I have been praying. I have been challenged. I have been encouraged.  "God is God and I am not.  I can only see a part of the picture He's painting. God is God and I am man. So, I'll never understand it all because only God is God."  I heard that song yesterday on the way home from an encouraging evening at Champion Forest.  I also saw one of our pastors in the parking lot and was able to tell he and his wife about this process.  He was there when I told him I wanted to go to seminary, when I was going to try online dating and now this.  Fostering to adopt isn't a project it is my life and someone else's.  I feel like I always have a project but I love that Dr. Trammell encourages me.  So many times I feel like a failure.  I share so much and tend to fail in front of so many people.  I share b/c I think the accountability will help me do better and so I can get pray-ers, yet I fail.  Sometime so fully and so big in front of so many people.  But God is the one that is there.  He is the one that is my only hope.  He is the one that knows my hearts desire and still encourages me. He is my audience.  I have been pretty down these last few days, I miss my sister, I miss my mom, I miss what I thought life would be at 42 years old.  I am going to have to cancel my trip, I think.  But only God knows.  I trust Him.  I believe Him.  Today I ask, Lord, help me with my unbelief.  Doubt comes from Satan, and right now there is a lot of  unknown.  Am I going to have enough money? What if I don't get her?  Am I really supposed to be a parent? Am I a disappointment to my friends, to my family, to God?  I know the answer is NO and I stand in that and I rest in that.  He is my audience.  He is the only one I shoild look to to please.  God is God and I am NOT.  I only see a part of the picture He's painting.  If she isn't mine or if she is HE will be there, He is faithful.  GOD IS!

no words

Some days I have no words.  Today is one of those days  One thing  I would use is Lisa Harper's hashtag  #onlyGod.